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Someone asked me the other day, "Jones if you were invited to speak to a forum of young, hormonal ravaged women, what sort of advice would you give?"As unaccustomed as I am to public speaking and the obvious dangers such as being mobbed by an irate audience, I think it's about time someone told it as it is.
Single friends and strangers have amazed me with many theories about why we have yet to find true love. But after the accidental discovery of an old comic collection, while clearing my closet recently, I finally figured it out: it's partly because of Archie and Veronica, the fallacies of romantic comic books. Love at first sight, real men drive funky cars or have great bodies, women hoping to get smitten to the point of speechlessness - It is obvious romance comics and Mills & Boons infused our susceptible young brains with strange notions of love and dating. Women are taught that love is more important than a career, that women should never chase men, that only females cry, and that several long kisses should lead directly to a heartfelt declaration of love, what crap!
True love, of the Snow white variety is like the ghost of the mirage in the desert. Just when you think you have found it, it does a disappearing act.
It is about time we rectified this warped vision of romance, in order to undo some the psychological damage already done. If there is one piece of advice I would give any single woman today, it is, "Don't ever marry the man you love. Marry the man you trust." Romantic love is the player's paradise. Don Juan, Casanova, Bill Clinton. Each one of those hundreds of women these rather virile fellows went through believed it was love until they discover that the jokers used similar lines on any women who came their way. Never invest in love, because it can be extremely unpredictable and sporadic. It is like time, continuously changing form, day into night, rain into shine. Today you are slim, pretty, and broke but in love, tomorrow, you are fat, ugly, rich but heartbroken. Understand the nature of love.
Just like you do not create time, you cannot cage it. You cannot be young or live-forever. When love hits the high road, let go. Unless you want to settle for its lesser cousins, sex loyalty and security, which have a tendency to expire rather prematurely.
Remember, dress like you love them but act like you hate them; Nice girls don't finish last, they are finished before they begin. So show your cleavage and your claws, kitten. In the initial stages of courtship, never become too serious with a man, he will flee in terror or develop the swollen head syndrome. Don't force him to commit, because that's like forcing him to lie. Sex and love are two totally separate entities in the man's world. You may hope that one would replace the other, but I wouldn't count on it happening. After the sneak preview, most men lose interest in the movie. In any relationship, the passage of time itself creates intimacy. Do not rush the process.
Even if you have been scarred by an early heartbreak, do not develop the bad habit of stringing two or more boyfriends along at once. Such polygamous propensities will inevitably result in dire consequences. Keeping different men to ensure your different needs are met is the surest way to becoming a concubine.
To attract the prince, you have to pass as princess. Always act as though you are that which you wish to be. Define clear goals; prepare meticulously always staying focused on the goal, whether it is a leaner body, longer hair, or a better job. Failure to achieve one's goal happens because we change the goal while working towards it. Do not drop the gym regimen. Stay focused. Lose the pot.
Every woman pretends to be something she is not. Altering appearance to enhance beauty is pretence but pretence can be reality. First impressions are important, capitalize on them.
The best opportunity to use pretence as fact is the first opportunity. If he can't tell the hair is fake on day one, he will leave dazzled by its sheen and length. But remember pretence is a tool, not a substitute engine. If the stomach isn't flat, don't show them the navel. Believing in your own pretence is ill advised.
Just because he turned you down the first time, doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It was probably the weave. Lose the weave, regroup and refashion your strategy.
Opportunities, like fruit, should be picked only when ripe. Cultivate patience. It will enable you to strike with apparent impatience at the ripe opportunity. Do not make a move on a man who hasn't acknowledged your presence. If you haven't caught him staring at you more than once, knock back a double. You do not exist in his world.
Do not judge a man only by one apparent feature, the car, the chest or the talk Always seek more than one perspective of a man, and always more than one reality shall appear, like his inability to talk about anything other than himself and what he intends to do with his money.
Feminine power is a device. In itself it has no positive or negative valve. It's utility can only be measured through it's accomplishments. See Lewinsky files. Learn the limitations of feminism, understand the power within and know when to wield it.
The last rule of feminine power is to always account for its aftermath. If you flirt with a jerk, don't blame the jerk for breaking your heart.
Shut up woman. Silence is golden. If you don't have to talk, don't talk. Talking in the absence of necessity is a sign of weakness, insecurity and dumbness especially if you can't tell Ronaldo apart from Beckham.
Accepting a man as he is, dangling belly, lack of finance, purpose, the works doesn't mean the man will accept you as you are. Make no assumptions about a man. The reason women continuously get heart broken, is because they rely upon someone
else's incorrect assessment of the potential mate. Assume nothing. Do not substitute a friend's knowledge for your own. He could be prefect or no different from the stuff the cat drags home. Do not be lazy. Get to know your man.
Loosen up. You are not the first to botch up. And you won't be the last. As a matter of fact, you are probably still lined up for even greater and graver blunders. Be open. Develop a willingness to hear and consider other people's ideas. Always keep an open mind. Size isn't everything. Not all men are jerks. Not all sleep around. Some men don't lie. Just because you haven't met them, doesn't mean they don't exist. Don't be a cynic. The last thing the world needs is another whiny romantic loser.
When stuck, find the solution, then redefine the problem. If the solution is an honest man, understand why you are unable to solve the problem of finding a saint. Begin from the end and work your way to the start of the maze. Not the other way round. You will be perennially lost in the maze, always running into barriers and finding yourself at the start over and over again. Maybe it's the questions you ask, "Do you love me, am I fat, is the food okay?" Show some confidence in yourself.
Be bold. Boldness is a weapon, however, bold action takes no prisoners. If despite everything you do, the man refuses to respond, live with it. Some guys are gay you know.
Make the best of a bad situation. Stay away from chocolate, alcohol and don't transfer your misery to your innocent friends. So you have been dumped. Relax. The worst has happened. If before you got dumped, your concern were that it wouldn't last, relax; it didn't last. When things go from wrong,(you were dumped) to bad (for your best friend), to worse (and they are getting married), bite into a pillow, hide all blunt objects and try to stay calm.
Your best friend is an immature, selfish, greedy backstabber, who wouldn't know the meaning of the word "friendship" if it were tattooed across her forehead. But ask any politician; it is a jungle out there. Only the fittest survive. Next time choose your friends wisely.
Very importantly, never forget that your inability to find lasting love is probably the most tangible evidence you will get to determine whether you are leading a normal life. Welcome to the world.
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